She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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