sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
