no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
