This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
