my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
