I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
