ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
