you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
