I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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