You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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