so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
