you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
