Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
