Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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