roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
