overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
