Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
