You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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