I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
