last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
