Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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