i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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