You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
