DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
