My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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