i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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