there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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