Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
