It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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