I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just forgot I was standing up.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don't want my vagina anymore.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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