I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
