do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
