I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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