I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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