My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
