his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
