I wish they made helmets for livers.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
