Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
