I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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