Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I want a musical about memes.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
