Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
