my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
