Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Found your dick twin last night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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