According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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