I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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