There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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