Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
