Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
