someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Someone shit on the floor
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
