I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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