Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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