my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
