I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
